You have no idea how ignorant your statement is. Due to bi-polar, I have had a strong sex drive since I can remember. So to many they think Im faking it. Someone on the side. Ill be living in a van down by the river if we separate. They may be finding fulfilment on the computer/phone with others (just a guess) and so thats a big problem right there. When you first met her you were in an OTHER zone. You have grown as a human being . Q. Menopause and hot flashes have taken my sex life away. Why would anyone want to have sex with your pessimistic, crotchety, excuse-ridden ass? To the men out there, moaning about their wives loosing interest, think about how you would feel after loosing your testicles. Yeah Andrew me too. s.src = 'https://EXAMPLE.disqus.com/embed.js'; Shes happen because we dont have sex or have any form of intimacy. I am 65 and raring to go and caopable of satisfying a woman in her 30s. However, another simple answer is that she isnt used to being the initiator. Does your wife struggle with self-love? I hear you sister, I am only 52, husband is same age. That has been HER normal. He expects lunch and dinner to be made for him every day, He drinks beer by the gallon and he gives nothing to this marriage. Sorry Mate. Yes, life is complicated indeed, but I dont believe there is a season for sex and then not a season for it. "There is also much more pressure on any sex youdohave since it's happening less frequently; it feels like there is much more at stake each time the two of you are intimate. Now he tries to help, but its always falling on me, no matter the pain to do it. I get tired of waking up because I realize Im having an erotic dream and humping the bed. Its no secret that sex after marriage tends to become monotonous, especially if neither partner makes an effort to keep the fire of passion burning. (d.head || d.body).appendChild(s); Thank you for recognizing a very very bad situation and trying to remedy. Perhaps your husband, as well as a few troglodytes posting here, are in need of some attitude adjustments, but you shouldnt paint all men with the same brush. I cook and currently renovating the home again only to hear Thats great, Now what about the bedroom?. We cant really talk about it because the very subject causes her great depression because she feels like its all her fault and that she is failure as a lover. There are ways to maintain physical intimacy while someone undergoes treatment for ED. None of us know how to read, converse or think. Therapy will help you identify the issues underlying the lack of sex, teach you how to communicate more effectively, give you strategies for regaining your intimacy if shes willing, and tools for coping if shes not, and offer you the boost you need to work on your relationship. At least the replies here seem to reflect this, noting that the opposite can and does happen. We were together for 14 years. You both shatter into a million pieces, and when you emerge from the depths of pain for air, you find that though you are still in love with each other, nothing will ever be the same again. So I explained this to her and said if she cannot work it out with me I would have to find some other way. Sharing your desires is essential, as is listening to her needs. Another reason my wife never initiates physical contact may be due to hormonal changes. I have no issues with my performance and dont need ED meds. He is suffering from a mental health issue. Sometimes losing interest in sex with your spouse is a symptom of losing interest in the relationship overall. Unfortunately, Buck Necked is correct. I hope that she too will woo me, always, as well. I was disgusted with the thought of my tongue in that region. I worked sat and sun all holidays and gave away vacation. I though it was my age, now I am 65 look OK, but not yong any more. messages where she was being flirtatious to a local musician . This will make intimacy a million times more enjoyable for both partners. I hate her for cheating me out of sex. Once youre accustomed to porn, youve trained your brain to need it. At first when we were dating this were fine. I self reflected and starting cooking again, especially on her late nights. This is not rocket science, bro. I have been married for almost 30 years and except for 3 wonderful children our sex life has been hit and miss. Im too tired. So Mike, I dont know what to say. Ive been in one for about 47 years and Im the cause of it. He just didnt want me and wanted to be left alone, in his world. But you cant fix a problem if you dont know the cause. I actually considered early in my marriage that my husband might lean toward being gay and thats why he was somewhat uncomfortable having sex with me. God as our designer and maker knows what is best for us. Every month Senior Planets award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Being refused is an essential part of the life of a person who is proactive in getting his or her wants met. Really its happening with many couples as the year goes and children born the interest goes down. However if these women get divorced they have a sexual oasis spring up again between their legs because they need to find a new nest. She cut me off completely about 10 years ago and refuses to even talk about sex when I try to bring it up. My father and grandfather were active sexually(we discussed) into their late 70s. Womens sex drives are based on fulfilling other non sexual needs such as wedding, marriage, home ownership, babies, cars, money etc etc. He spent 100.00 on his mother as he forgot to get her a card why cant he forgive me ? And when that happens, what used to turn you on about your wife wont turn you on anymore. Just shows how woman dont know anything about other women. Nothing, I mean nothing, kills a relationship, a marriage, a union, more thoroughly than complacency and boredom. He may still be impotent after surgery, no guarantees. Does your wife deal with mental health struggles or clinical depression? From so many different angles I cannot begin to list. Hello fingers!! My wife is 61 and Im 57. He got the pill from the dr, but with his weight and age, I was just too scared for him to try it. One of you simply wants sex more often than the other does. Intimacy isnt about sex, its about being close in more ways than sexually. We have never had oral sex, partly because she informed me she had contracted fenital herpes from a prior relationship, but was under control. Most women find us as nothing more then a sex pig. You can gently bring up that you want to keep prioritizing your sex life together so your wife understands how you feel and so you can mutually find ways to work on this part of your lives while still being sensitive to her struggles. I like to think there is hope but unsure. I get you have energy for everyone but me. I have 2 nephews, age 6 & 7, from my brother 13 years younger than me. Let the in-laws or best friend care for your children for a day or two. A study published by the. Senior Planets comments are open for all readers/subscribers; we love hearing from you! Being in a sexless marriage is great, we havent had sex, intimacy togetherness for 40 years. The comments given above is very true. The most affection I can show without her being irritated is spooning for a short period when were in bed Id better not move my hands to caress her! Without going into details - I am 100% certain that it was satisfying for both of us. But at 50 she started to loose interest and dry up. s.setAttribute('data-timestamp', +new Date()); I work full time, do personal training after that, and run a business. To me, hes practicing classic avoidance and he simply closes up emotionally. She would be lost. 4. I didnt even get a goodmorning after a month away. Once you restore an emotional connection, your physical one is sure to follow. And there is another problem: When two people dont want the same things in the marriage or relationship (like trying to fix what is wrong), then there is often no solution other than plodding along as before. Be explicit about your needs and expectations. It is possible that a lack of sex may have shifted your focus on physical intimacy whereas a lack of emotional intimacy may be driving your wife away from the idea of sex. Share your feelings with your wife openly, honestly, and vulnerably without expecting it to lead to something physical. Your wife has become conscious of her body, 8. As the years tick away, I am reminded of going to sleep in one anothers arms, morning sex, spontaneous make out sessions and feeling desired. I chose to stay just to piss my wife off. And the sex with my current partner is always strained because she doesnt show any real passion or desire to let go. Never thought it would happen to me, but it has, plus some other medical problems that leave me exhausted. Your situation is my situation ! I was in bed for a week with complications and ended up in the ER and the doctor said given my reactions my risk for stroke is 25% higher using Testosterone but I still get told I need to think of her and give it another try. However, some comments are not welcome here as violations of our Comment Policy. Anything less is slow sewer side. You were something OTHER. You should make an effort to equally share the responsibilities because you care about her and your relationship, not because you hope it'll win you sex. Some are related to the pressures and demands of family life. Doing some bootie grabbing or not being a standing up participant?!? Zimmerman also recommends getting some time away from the kids regularly so that you can re-immerse yourselves in your identities as individuals and as a couple outside of your roles as parents. that found low levels of self-esteem harmed a womans sexual functions. This could be a reason why your wife avoids sex. This is really excellent advice. Shes not. Take what you can, now. But I do it, why? Yes, he may have more energy then she does because he did nothing all day but insulted her and her lack of sex. Hopefully I will die and be out of this misery. It is frustrating, but I would never give up our marriage over it. When your husband keeps getting fired and he sits on the computer all day and rarely does anything around the house but bitches and complains about this or that and he puts you down and calls you names. Resentment Colors your entire relationship gray. Work and motherhood can be overwhelming, so instead of asking her for sex at the end of the day when youre both exhausted, start planning for it. Hmmm. I have stayed in the marriage because of my kids and other family issues which go beyond this comment. In this case, you can turn the tide for your sex life by simply becoming more involved in running the household and making your wife feel special by going the extra mile toreduce her burden. Praying for these husbands. But this past 6 months I see things slipping and I feel we are not getting that closeness and are becoming more distant even though we do many things together. Sounds like case of no money no honey. And I still dont even know why! I cannot speak for everyone, but I think we are all sexual beings with desire. We were both virgins when we married. Fully. He is 69 (as am I) and weve been married 39 years and for him sex is a thing of the long past! You may find that your perception of the situation is extremely different than theirs . After my heart surgery 2 years ago for the same valve, we found the same surgeon who repaired it robotically and I was able to care for her pneumonia 2 weeks later and a year later heart failure, improved by a TAVR Aortic valve replacement last spring. She has owned her own retail furniture store for 10 years and has expressed her desire to sell and get a job until retirement. Hello Elle, Its been a lonely and humiliating experience. Shes the mother of our kids! 24 years younger than I. What does it mean when your wife doesn't show affection? On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. Well, I am more than happy to say that our marriage has lasted for over 56 years and I know that we are still together mostly due to the fact that we are best friends. I have difficulty ejaculating and often, cannot get erections with her. You talk about your wife not being in the mood. Thats an elusive state when were not driven by our hormones. Well, its clearly only getting worse. Good points you made for sure. Who risks? Someday I might take a sex vacation overseas. I say bullshit to every man and women experiencing no sex in a relationship if they want it with their partner. Sound off: What are some other practical things you can do as a husband to increase intimacy? I guess. Wtf do you think he has been doing. If it was the husband doing that wives would be screaming How dare You. After 8.5 years in my sexless marriage, I almost found the phrase Youve both gone so long without sex together funny, though it is far from that. I desire foreplay and intimacy, not just intercourse. I told her that I did not want that, That I only wanted her but she said she loves me but has no sexual feelings, it is slowly destroying me and I do not know what to do, she refuses to talk about it, will not spoon in bed and pulls away from any hug. If your wife avoids intimacy, this could be her way of punishing you for something she suspects you of. So as partners age, sometimes we have to stop asking for what is too painful for them to give. Now that you know that this could also be the reason why your wife avoids physical contact, you need to be her rock and convince her that you still think shes as beautiful as the day when you first met her. /** Not once does he try to get her off, he just rolls over and goes to sleep. Dang! Add to this many complications: conditioning from childhood, feeling you are being used for someone elses pleasure, not being attracted, not meeting your partner at the same emotional level. I cannot take any form of estrogen and I literally have lost all desire. It can be helpful to have this conversation with the help of a sexuality professional, such as a sex therapist or coach. Monica..give her satisfaction .. that is exactly what I would love to do for my wife of 30 years. Sharing your desires is essential, as is listening to her needs. I wont lecture: youve all read about it. 2. Having married one of the well into that 34% is hell. 90% of my enjoyment of sex is seeing her turned on an having a rip roaring time. You deserve to be happy in your life as well. Sometimes the answers are only inside of us. . Or when it doesnt really get hard, does the throbbing stop also in men? My husband and I separated recently. I cant make the same wages I did before my illness, but added to my retirement money, it can get close. Feminism has a lot to answer for; there seems to be too many mismatched females being vocal, when this has been a male affliction to be saddled with an undersexed female. If your wife has recently lost interest in sex, it might be tied to her feelings about her body these days. She told me that women need estrogen their whole lives, not just up to menopause. Again, he has no interest in sex and doesnt even like me seeing him naked say getting out of the shower, or undressing, etc.. And, he remains curled up and turned away from me in bed at night. Shes my childhood sweetheart, has a lovely personality, a wonderful mother and a very sexy body and persona to boot.. We are peas in a pod. 2 weeks later I spoke to her again and ended up asking if she knew what I was suggesting. **The husband has NO right to sex, or anything else. I want to figure out myself and fix my own issues so I can be a great mom and wife but I feel like is a waste of time to try to fix my marriage because its broken down and Im emotionally drained and I just want to focus on my kids. NO! Thats great but what about the man? Q: My wife, late 40s, has been experiencing early menopause for a couple of years. When I was single I would simply break off a relationship when the sexual problems would start. I didnt either with my late husband Too much cheating etc. With kids and work schedules, it can unfortunately become easy to put date night on the back burner, but there are plenty of reasons to make it a priority in your week. I bet if a man did ever6a woman does in one day he would not bitch about sex he would pass out. But no sex. Keep it as quick as I can at 41 I had neck surgery, nothing below waist working very well, had penis pump install, went from 6 to 3 (maybe) tip flops around cant penetrate vagina.she at time started Menopause and wasnt really interested anyway. Most of my female friends in their sixties are married to men who just stopped having sex, wanting sex, initiating sex or any kind of intimacy. How should I phrase it? We married late, were both 40, and our sex life was fantastic. Must he provide her preferred amount of resources (which is much higher than he himself needs) while also accepting her preferred amount of sex (which is much lower than he himself needs) under the guise of equality? It will make you horny as hell, however. If you are not communicating about this, nothing will change. Im Maried for 5 years and from one year until now my wife change completely like a different person she don't let me hold her hands or touch her or kiss her and sex more than 6 months that she don't have sex with me I asked her if she don't love me anymore and she say that she love me and I asked her why she's doing you know all the . Many of these comments are a breath of fresh air. Although he acts like he doesnt notice and maybe he dont. With all of that being said, I an understand your frustration. Shame on all you women who have men that are committed and loving to you!! You can be in a marriage without sex. An emotional affair or even a one-night stand that you think your wife doesnt know about? . What to do about it: Address the ongoing conflicts in your relationship. Go out and kill a hog, punch a younger guy in the face, ride a harley, do a steroid cycle. I have been dedicated for 43 years but I also realize you need and one thing before you canOnto the other. The Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. Life is definitely funny. 25 Romantic Things To Say To Your Husband, 12 Things To Do When Husband Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic, 7 Ways To Get The Romance Back After Having A Baby, 10 Best-Selling Relationship Books Couples Can Read Together, How To Make Up For Forgetting Your Anniversary 8 Ways To Do It. What men want is for her to have some of that drive back. I want to be involved in sex to enjoy the feeling of being loved by a woman.. in bed nothing happen just sleep. However, whenever a relationship began getting serious my body would suddenly shut down- no erection, no ejaculation, no desire. Focusing on her pleasure will make her banish any thought that my wife never wants to have sex.. Awful!!! But very tired of masterbating. I have a simple fix for all this. I tried internet sex and while interesting it is not enough. She actually told me that my friend who went through a similar situation was in need of therapy because his wife caught him watching porn. 1. Then,move on. A very wise woman my grandma. With the help of psychotherapist Gopa Khan (Masters in Counseling Psychology, M.Ed), who specializes in marriage and family counseling, lets unravel the reasons behind why theres no intimacy in your marriage from your wife, so you can ascertain the difference between an unloving wife or one who has subliminally been trying to send you a message. he will not give me a divorce so yes take a lover if you need too cause feeling wanted, desired, and loved, is like food we all need it and deserve it! Your wife never initiates physical contact - Sex feels like a chore Is your mind saying - "my wife loves me but is not sexually attracted to me?" Your wife never initiates physical contact and she does not seem excited by that idea either. ( Keep cardio to a minimum and stay away from the weight machines) I kid you not. Thank you, great essay. I was in a 22-year same sex relationship in which sex dried up after we had been together about 5 years. Never did I roll over and fall asleep, and always tried to give her an orgasm until I had one. She consulted with her doctor who recommended hormone treatment and her research on cancer had her rejecting that avenue. Do I disgust her? We see each other on a daily basis staying busy to supplement our income and find time to make love once per week. This break down could be for a number of reasons: Some are directly related to her man. As far as the guy I liked, nothing ever came of it. !life is def funny!! Thats not going to make you happy in the long run!!! My husband is 46 gringo! Career-wise, shes doing better than me, so hes likely out-of-my-league anyway. I honestly dont know what happens to men as they age. I think the resolve here is to tell the parent who is confiding in you to seek professional help, and then bud out. why is he grumpy? So all women who married men and saw this first hand, from 14 to 80. It took many years and visits to a lot of therapists to find out why I couldnt perform sexually with my wife during our 30 year marriage. */ Better than NO sex of any sort for 10+ years, and being rediculed for masturbating. Find someone who finds you attractive, become more attractive, get in shape (thats key). Go be the cat lady then. There is hope on the horizon. Childbirth is a life-altering experience thats not just hard on a womans body but also her mind. . My point is, most of the sexless marriage problems are from the man not ruling. I respect your right to your opinion, but to say that an egalitarian relationship always ends in dysfunction & misery is unfounded and far from true. Am I doomed? You can bring up your feelings about the importance of sex in your relationship so that she knows and can let you know what she has the capacity for. Hes changing tooisnt capable of long walks or hikes anymore, which is still something I love to do. Damn was I a dumbass. **Women are constantly told to shut up and accept. I ask why she said it is just how it is. In such a case, it could be the reason why your wife avoids intimacy. Men with low sex drive try lifting free weights in a gym. "The identity of a young parent can become entirely entwined with that of the children. I would be willing to bet the majority of men in our position have gone above and beyond to save our marriages, only to get a SELFISH wife to deny us to the point that we lose all our self esteem. Feeling this discrepancyor feeling like your partner is always asking for sex when you don't want itcan make the lower-libido person feel pressured into having sex. We try not to get in each others way and we havent had a conversation in years. . We now live in a society that it is selfish or disrespectful for a man to insist or ask for sex. Nothing arouses it. Around year 3 it was 1x week and that lasted another 5 when it became about 1x a week. Unfortunately I dont, as it seems were merely friends but certainly not lovers! Take care of yourself. A study published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that women had more difficulty staying focused during intimacy and lower arousal levels when under stress. I had to fend for myself, and I could have done that before we were married. My avocation has been fitness for over 50 years and I love the field. When we DO have intimacy, it usually comprises me masturbating until she finishes me with her mouth (which she still likes to do) and her using one of those power vibrators that sound like a jackhammer to get herself off. Get your answer. Especially if you once had a, One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. She has the house and I have my private place seperate from the main house. 2. I know we are very different people and and I am not trying to change her as much as letting her know the effects of being so distant and often dismissing my feelings yet I have to be totally responsive to her to keep her happy. To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org. Here's her full guide to overcoming the sexual avoidance cycle, plus how to support a lower-libido partner.
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